Some issues with my self-driving car

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap
Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Dear Google,

I am writing you because I am wholly dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of my recently purchased self-driving car. It has caused me nothing but trouble during its first week of use. Here is a list of grievances I would like you to address:

  1. My self-driving car cannot exceed 45 km/h.
  2. It was only available in brown.
  3. It can only hold two passengers; three is dicey.
  4. My wife cannot wear a dress while she rides on my self-driving car unless she drapes both of her legs off the side. This is an incredibly dangerous way to drive.
  5. It has no doors. (More)


My son should not go to jail for 20 minutes of murder

The boy is very upset by this whole affair, I assure you. I know that other people have been affected by this, in that they have been murdered, but please consider my son’s mental health. He has not eaten pretzels — his favourite food — in three days. He rarely plays video games. We played Pictionary the other night and he just drew a line with a circle on the end for “leg.” He has clearly learned his lesson. (More)


Why I’m leaving the cult

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Listen, Sparkle Leader John, you’re a great guy. But you can’t keep letting people walk all over you. When college kids come in for a brain scan and say they’ll pay next week, you can’t just let that slide. You know they’re just there for the free coffee.

Also, Audience Suggestion Tuesday needs to stop. (More)


Nancy Codbone, childcare professional, has died

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Her house was the first and only in town to be constructed entirely of gingerbread, frosting and hard candies, and proved a popular meeting place for the local youth. Even though she would melt if she touched water, Ms. Codbone, ever the hostess, always had a pitcher of iced tea and a toothless smile ready and waiting when the last school bell rang. She literally salivated at the thought of children. (More)