McSweeney’s: How to talk to female app builders seeking support from our venture capital firm

Fraternal Financial is committing to equal treatment of our potential clients. Below are a few suggestions I came up with over the weekend with my lacrosse team.

  • Women in this industry are often overworked, having to take on many tasks at once. If you have a simple request for supporting documents or the like, ask if there’s a man around who can take care of it.
  • If she stutters a word she is probably very tired and could use a break. That would be a good time to ask if you can speak with her father instead.
  • Studies have proven a link between being a woman in tech and depression, which is why, if you notice one looking sad, you should compliment her body and encourage her to smile. (More)


Syrup Trap: Some issues with my self-driving car

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap
Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Dear Google,

I am writing you because I am wholly dissatisfied with nearly every aspect of my recently purchased self-driving car. It has caused me nothing but trouble during its first week of use. Here is a list of grievances I would like you to address:

  1. My self-driving car cannot exceed 45 km/h.
  2. It was only available in brown.
  3. It can only hold two passengers; three is dicey.
  4. My wife cannot wear a dress while she rides on my self-driving car unless she drapes both of her legs off the side. This is an incredibly dangerous way to drive.
  5. It has no doors. (More)


Syrup Trap: My son should not go to jail for 20 minutes of murder

The boy is very upset by this whole affair, I assure you. I know that other people have been affected by this, in that they have been murdered, but please consider my son’s mental health. He has not eaten pretzels — his favourite food — in three days. He rarely plays video games. We played Pictionary the other night and he just drew a line with a circle on the end for “leg.” He has clearly learned his lesson. (More)


Syrup Trap: Why I’m leaving the cult

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Listen, Sparkle Leader John, you’re a great guy. But you can’t keep letting people walk all over you. When college kids come in for a brain scan and say they’ll pay next week, you can’t just let that slide. You know they’re just there for the free coffee.

Also, Audience Suggestion Tuesday needs to stop. (More)


Syrup Trap: Nancy Codbone, childcare professional, has died

Nick Zarzycki / The Syrup Trap

Her house was the first and only in town to be constructed entirely of gingerbread, frosting and hard candies, and proved a popular meeting place for the local youth. Even though she would melt if she touched water, Ms. Codbone, ever the hostess, always had a pitcher of iced tea and a toothless smile ready and waiting when the last school bell rang. She literally salivated at the thought of children. (More)